Guilt

Leaving Sierra Leone, on my way to the U.S.

The first month of being in the U.S, I had everything planned out.  I was able to talk about my experiences in Sierra Leone and share what I had learned, so in a way, it hadn't really felt like I left.  Yes, there were things that bothered me, like the woman that took two car-seats for her children on the airplane and ended up not using either of them.  A car seat is not going to save your children if the plane crashes.  Unnecessary.

But as I began to face the reality that I was going to be in the U.S for longer than expected, I realized that I had to somehow "fit" back into life here in the U.S.  I couldn't live like I was living in Sierra Leone.  As soon as I realized I didn't have a plan, probably the least planned my life has ever been, I began to feel culture shock.  I cried myself to sleep for a week, feeling lost, trying to figure out a way that I could go back.  My heart was somewhere else, and I could not be in that place.  I felt guilty because I had the opportunity to be here, while many in Sierra Leone are going about their daily lives with the fear of Ebola and the economic stress looming over them.

I feel guilty because I am white and I am feeding the stereotype that white people have a lot of money, because many westerners and those of "privilege" have left Sierra Leone due to Ebola.  I feel guilty because people in Sierra Leone are being negatively affected by the Ebola outbreak and it feels as though there is nothing tangible that I can do.  I can pray, but sometimes I wonder if my prayers make it all the way across the ocean.

But then I have to remember, that we serve an all powerful God, that he hears our every cry.   He guides our path.  I have come across the verse several times recently from Proverbs 16:9 which says "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."  Maybe this is not my own plan, but God's plan is far greater than my own.  He sees the big picture, when I only see small glimpses.  I don't know how my time in the U.S is going to fit in the big picture, but I have begun to see small glimpses of God's master plan.

There has never been a library at the school, but now with the building of the Secondary School, we finally have space to make a library.  Through God's grace, we have been able to partner with Schuler's book store to make it possible to get new books to Sierra Leone.   Getting culturally appropriate literature is almost impossible in Sierra Leone.  I have been so thankful to still feel that I can be a part of the school, even though I am here.  Every time we have a meeting for this book project, I look forward to it days in advance.  This project has given me a glimpse of God's bigger picture.

The Beautiful Beach of River #2 with a friend!

Although substitute teaching can be extremely draining, I have realized, thanks to a good friend, that it is a chance to be creative.  It is a chance to explore new teaching methods, and to grow myself as a teacher.  Maybe it isn't in the way that I would like, but I need to make the best of what I have.

I also need to remember that God is able to turn even the ugliest, most horrific situations into something good.  My hope and prayer during the Ebola outbreak is that God would use this to strengthen the country.  As you overcome challenges and suffering, it makes you stronger and builds you up.  I hope that the challenges of the Ebola outbreak will strengthen the health care system and that it will also continue to build a stronger and more accountable government.

I am so thankful for those that have been willing to go and serve internationally.  I am also thankful for the many Sierra Leoneans who have taken on the burden of caring for those who have been suffering from Ebola.  I cannot even imagine the challenges they are facing but God has given them the strength to continue to press on.