Learning to Trust
My junior year at Calvin, I moved into Eastown with a group of girls. As the year went by, the difficulties of paying rent, buying groceries, and putting gas in my 1994 Buick Century were adding up quickly. The money I made at work was barely enough to get by each month provided no extra costs came up.
In January, I took my car to get an oil change only to find out that there were $400 worth of "serious" issues with my car. At this point, I had no money left in my bank account. As some of you may know I tend to think I am an independent person and I could not ask my parents for money to fix my car.
So, instead I let it build up until I cracked. A friend and I were catching up over lunch and when he asks the question "how are you doing?" it really means "how are you really doing deep down inside?" I proceeded to give a long speech about how my car was now working and I had no money to fix it. He sat patiently and listened as I cried and cried, overwhelmed with life. He left with the words "I will see what I can do."
I wish I could say that I went home and prayed about it and spent time with God asking what I should do but that is probably not what happened. In reality, I probably went home, cried some more and than worried some more. It was winter so I could not bike to work so my car was my way of getting there. By the time I took the bus from class, I would arrive at the end of the after school program. I was dependent on my car (so I thought).
A couple days later, I was probably still worrying. I came home from class and on my bed was an envelope. I opened up the envelop and inside was $140 with a note saying something like "use this to fix your car. ~ love God." I sat down and cried in disbelief. From all the stories I have heard growing up, this is something that only happens to missionary families!
Anyways, the next day, I took my car to Zandee's Auto (the best place in town) to see what they could do. I went in, gave the man at the counter the diagnosis from the Goodyear (where I got my oil change). I proceeded to tell him that I did not know where this money came from but I was told to use it to fix my car. I told him to fix whatever was the most important to keep that old car from dying on me.
The next day, I came back and looked over the invoice for my car. It cost $144 to fix my car. Thankfully I happened to have $4 in my wallet. The man behind the counter explained that they had found the parts needed for my car in their scrap parts box so the parts did not cost a dime! I don't know who the money came from but all I know is that God provides, even when we doubt, even when we do not trust, even when we worry.
I never wanted to ever be a missionary because the idea of raising support was something that I had no desire to ever do in my life. I hate asking people for money with a passion, almost as much as I do not like calling random people (like the pizza place) on the phone. But when God gave me just that little something to fix my car, it opened up a new window of trust.
This trust is something that I have struggled with throughout this process of going to Sierra Leone. How much do I take responsibility and how much do I trust in God? Will I reach a point where all I have left is trust? How do I give God my anxiety and trust instead? I like how the message states Phillipians 4:6-7:
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
In January, I took my car to get an oil change only to find out that there were $400 worth of "serious" issues with my car. At this point, I had no money left in my bank account. As some of you may know I tend to think I am an independent person and I could not ask my parents for money to fix my car.
So, instead I let it build up until I cracked. A friend and I were catching up over lunch and when he asks the question "how are you doing?" it really means "how are you really doing deep down inside?" I proceeded to give a long speech about how my car was now working and I had no money to fix it. He sat patiently and listened as I cried and cried, overwhelmed with life. He left with the words "I will see what I can do."
I wish I could say that I went home and prayed about it and spent time with God asking what I should do but that is probably not what happened. In reality, I probably went home, cried some more and than worried some more. It was winter so I could not bike to work so my car was my way of getting there. By the time I took the bus from class, I would arrive at the end of the after school program. I was dependent on my car (so I thought).
A couple days later, I was probably still worrying. I came home from class and on my bed was an envelope. I opened up the envelop and inside was $140 with a note saying something like "use this to fix your car. ~ love God." I sat down and cried in disbelief. From all the stories I have heard growing up, this is something that only happens to missionary families!
Anyways, the next day, I took my car to Zandee's Auto (the best place in town) to see what they could do. I went in, gave the man at the counter the diagnosis from the Goodyear (where I got my oil change). I proceeded to tell him that I did not know where this money came from but I was told to use it to fix my car. I told him to fix whatever was the most important to keep that old car from dying on me.
The next day, I came back and looked over the invoice for my car. It cost $144 to fix my car. Thankfully I happened to have $4 in my wallet. The man behind the counter explained that they had found the parts needed for my car in their scrap parts box so the parts did not cost a dime! I don't know who the money came from but all I know is that God provides, even when we doubt, even when we do not trust, even when we worry.
I never wanted to ever be a missionary because the idea of raising support was something that I had no desire to ever do in my life. I hate asking people for money with a passion, almost as much as I do not like calling random people (like the pizza place) on the phone. But when God gave me just that little something to fix my car, it opened up a new window of trust.
This trust is something that I have struggled with throughout this process of going to Sierra Leone. How much do I take responsibility and how much do I trust in God? Will I reach a point where all I have left is trust? How do I give God my anxiety and trust instead? I like how the message states Phillipians 4:6-7:
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
You brought tears to my eyes, beautifully written, beautifully illustrated of how awesome our God really is. We sing the songs, we read His word, we hear the Preacher but do we really believe with every fiber in us that "OUR GOD IS AWESOME"?
ReplyDeleteBless you Sarah and thank you for sharing this. Your testimony reminded me that I can trust Him for not only my needs, the needs of my family, our church, and our country.
God is Awesome and faithful to hear and answer every prayer. Psalm 9:10 "For you oh Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
xo
Ms. Deborah
Y
Sarah, thanks for this. I'm reading it at my desk and next to my computer is a fine calligraphy plaque with the same verse. That's cool, but what makes it even more special is that the plaque was a birthday gift I received in 1980. Your mother made it for me.
ReplyDeleteGod's best to you on this latest adventure.
Bob and Vicki